I was on THE VERGE of writing a part deux to a Dutch post I wrote yesterday.
You see, unlike anything anybody expected to get out of this quarantine situation, our national health service thingy – the one which makes all the recommendations about what to do about the C. crisis – very unexpectedly gave us singles ONE sex buddy each!
It was almost like that joke, where the patient asks his doctor if he can play piano after his fingers were broken.
And the doctor says yes, and he answers:
“Cool! I could never do that before!”
Because we never had sex buddies.
And most singles do not have sex at all, right?
Even most people in relationships and/or married don’t have flourishing sex lives, but at least they have some options and chances- someone to focus their efforts on. And then out of the clear blue sky; Bam!
We get a free gift!
1-0 for Dutch singles!
After two-and-a-half month of quarantine we take the lead, by unexpectedly getting a One sex buddy each – voucher, during lockdown.
When technically, up until that moment, singles didn’t even exist below the belt.
And this goes in particular for the females!
The only time we are allowed to have sex is when it happens because we feel “safe” and “special”.
READ: If we are somehow tricked into thinking he’ll have a relationship with us, then we might have sex somewhere surrounding a dating situation.
And maybe he’ll come back and make a decent woman out of us, by dating us for a longer period of time.
Or, alternatively, he doesn’t and then we automatically were “wrong” or “too soon”.
Health, exercise and mental health, are all talked about and treated and so on, far more extensively than 50 years ago. But the refusal to see that this goes hand in hand with A – privilege
Of money, time, and freedom.
And B. – sexuality
is still present.
We like talking about health when it means we can tell people off for eating unhealthy and giving them meal plans and exercise schedules.
We do not like talking about women who make their marriages toxic by being obsessed with clogged up arteries and wining about their husbands’ drinking, eating and sitting on their ass watching tv all day, numbing the noise out;
When HE would be wide awake enjoying life if he had kept chasing the ladies and taking care of his body after his wedding day;
And she would be a blushing, fun, woman hitting the gym and all the hot guys half her age, if she had given herself permission to just go for it and enjoy life.
We have very limited ideas about where we want our health and happiness to come from, and sexuality – with its massively disruptive effects and unpredictable behavior because – hey! it really does take two!- sexuality is our least favorite tool.
If a sex doctor could tell us we would add an extra twenty years to our lives if we would give up on the idea of regiment and limitations, and surrender to what our senses bring us?
Say yes to adventure, to uncertainty; Let ourselves be tempted?
We wouldn’t do it.
We would rather die underused and RIGHT; Accepted, boring but reliable;
Than to die having broken all the written and unwritten rules, and add twenty years of fun and adventure to our name.
So, considering how strict married people are to themselves, judging their own extramarital sexuality so harshly, it will come as no surprise that it is not supported in singles either.
Anyway, I feel I m drifting off but just interpret the previous paragraphs of proof of how much time I had already spent studying this, and coming to accept that it was all just so rotten and hopeless, I was not going to see the day we would normalize sex.
Because it makes it relatable as to HOW THRILLED I was with this government organisation, unexpectedly, giving us the green light to go have sex!
Like I said with the piano comparison;
Because we never had that before.
24 Hours after that announcement, and after my blog which by the way I did not intend to write (I usually don’t write in Dutch, just about yoga or cartoons).
24 Hours after I wrote about this great news for The Netherlands, and since The Guardian wrote about our sex buddy as well, you could probably say great news for the world as a whole;
They pulled it back.
The government organization.
As a friend of mine would say:
“They pulled back their turd.”
God damn it.
I knew it!
I was so angry.
The blog had been for nothing. The joy had been for nothing. And we were back to the same patriarchal misogynistic residual Christian bullshit society we had been living in for 2000 years.
And although this Saturday was supposed to be spent buying a new vacuum cleaner and preparing for my new Bon Jovi video for tonight (Osaka, 1995- I m making these videos on my channel) I SWORE I had to write a part deux for the Dutch blogpost!
And it was going to be FULL-ON!
I was going to destroy everything…
I was going to strike back by letting everyone know what I had already been vowing in silence at the beginning of this crisis, when I had gotten absolutely sick of the compliant, fearful, nature of the Dutch when lockdown measures were taken (suffice to say I understood why it took the Germans less than 48 hours to take this country);
That I was going to rebel for the rest of my life to make up for the miserable, fearful months, in which I was domesticated by law.
I was going to sleep with every married man, I set my eyes on.
As a principle.
The remaining part of my life would serve as a very big fuck you to a society that had behaved like chickenshits, and that had used a virus to force its restrictive unhealthy views on sexuality down everybody’s throat, by allowing only the married couples to have sex.
I could see myself go to sleep with the taste of blood in my mouth every night, of all the marriages I would cut the arteries of.
Just for fun.
I would kill for pleasure.
So, that was the dark, depressed, deplorable mental state I was in, when within 24 hours the government just snatched their gift of the sex buddy back.
And I could not let this go.
I really thought there was no turning back. I was determined to go over to the Dark Side.
And then something happened.
It seemed insignificant at first. I noticed a new Bon Jovi fan, who was having lively interaction with some of the accounts I follow.
I checked his timeline first. I certainly didn’t need any more negativity since I was carrying enough toxins within me, to poison an entire fanbase.
I didn’t need anybody else’s.
But he checked out.
And I sent him a tweet, and soon the happy replies were mine to receive. I answered but in silence I still thought: “I will stay angry with the world!”
But he won.
And The Most Hateful Post where I declared war on married people, Dutch government, and all those not in favor of sex buddies for everybody, evaporated.
It is gone.
What were my favorite Bon Jovi songs? he asked.
And my least favorite?
And did I know this song?
And that song?
And tweet by tweet my anger just fully and thoroughly melted away. And I knew that whomever he was, he was obviously here to keep me from spreading hate.
Heal me from being angry.
And ultimately, to have a conversation about which Bon Jovi songs were the sexiest.
And so we did.
So maybe that is the big lesson, the take away here:
You can’t plan these things. Not the good, nor the bad.
You can’t plan on having sex buddies anymore than you can plan on not having them. Love and sex cannot be planned nor approved by government or by anybody else – they just happen when they do.
And usually when you least expect it.
Top 5 Sexiest Bon Jovi Songs
And the lyrics that prove it.
5. Diamond Ring (These Days, 1995)
“When you’re hungry, I will fill you up
When you’re thirsty, drink out of my loving cup”
This song probably has the strangest history out of all Bon Jovi songs.
Written for New Jersey (1988) it didn’t make the cut. Neither did it for Keep for Faith (1992).
But it has been performed live from the late 80s onward.
By the time it was released on record, they had been performing Diamond Ring on stage for years.
Letting hundreds of thousands of fans drink out of their loving cup.
4. River of Love (Richie Sambora solo, 1991)
“Take you down real slow
And then your body will quiver
And the river will flow”
When Howard Stern inducted a reunited Bon Jovi to The Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, he made jokes which referred to the sexual appetite of Richie Sambora, and I don’t think any fan has any doubt which one of the two front men possessed the “raw, untamed power”, as Star Wars put it.
Yet, it actually took me until a couple of failed attempts of searching for super sexual songs or lyrics, for a variety of art projects, to realize how non-explicit Bon Jovi songs really were.
There are no sexual words in there, it’s all very coveted.
But having said that, comparing the solo records from Jon and Richie, will give you an indication of which one of the two… well.
You do the math.
3. Amen (what About now,2013)
“Honeysuckle on her lips
Sweeter than a man deserves to taste
Mercy, mercy, what else can I say?”
Much to my surprise, this – in my opinion – extremely intimate song, has been played live all the way up to their most recent tour in 2019.
Hail to Jon.
2. I’m Your Man (Burning Bridges,2015)
“When your heart is hungry
When you want a secret you can keep
You know that you can call me
Anytime for anything you need”
This is my personal favorite!
Not just because this song describes my perfect relationship, but it’s so upbeat and fun! The odd-one-out Burning Bridges album (2015) is worth its weight in gold for many reasons, but just having that album to have I m your Man blowing from your speakers and waking up the neighborhood, would probably already suffice.
As sort of a super important PS on this song!!
This is NOT the Leonard Cohen cover song I’m Your Man, which Bon Jovi has performed several times, and which is also very sexual, but in a more…. scripted way.
It’s used as a little play, between Jon Bon Jovi and his female audience.
You can find a video of that I m Your Man cover version, with crowd interaction, at the bottom of this post.
So if you Google I m Your Man Bon Jovi – live, you will find that cover version.
But the happy, upbeat I’m Your Man as it was released on the Burning Bridges album, has never been performed live.
Making it one of the most underappreciated Bon Jovi tracks ever.
1. Let’s Make It Baby (both versions)
version 1 Let’s Make It Baby- New Jersey Deluxe 1988 (demo)
version 2: released in 1996 on a 2-disc These Days album
“I want to play doctor.
It keeps getting harder, harder, harder to keep me away
I want to taste the sweat that’s runnin’ off of your body.
Get the sheets all wet, I wanna make you feel naughty”
If “Amen” was a tribute to Leonard’s Cohen, Hallelujah; Let’s Make it Baby, is a haunting trip all the way back to the psychedelic organ-led music of The Doors.
Including Jon Bon Jovi diving so deep into the purest and strongest of desires.
Bon Jovi’s most erotic song, will probably stay unknown forever.
Hidden, on the Dark Side.
I create videos about Bon Jovi concerts (1995) on Suzanne Beenackers YouTube
These complementary blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
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