Gimme Shelter documentary
And although I immediately took it out, if only for reasons of style, now that I have started writing and musing over this story that I m about to share, I think:
“Well maybe that WAS the key!”
Maybe the fact that Entrepreneur did not make it into the title of this blog post, explains not just what happened last night – the story of I Can’t Get No Satisfaction – but that it explains my entire life.
And the host would say, whenever a ball with a number came up that was not on the “big bingo card”;
“X (insert number) is not on the card.”
And with me:
“Entrepreneur” is not on the card.
But not for my own services.
With every decision that I make for myself, trouble starts when I start seeing myself as an entrepreneur.
Or if I take actions (even the ones I was going to take already!!) with the perspective of making money.
I don’t give away time for free, nor do I undercharge.
It saves me the selling process and maintaining customer service.
If I were to create and sell an online course, I would be responsible for it till the end of time.
Every time I see the words “lifetime access” tied to courses that I buy myself, or that are offered to me, I get shivers down my spine.
And not the good ones.
Promising lifetime access to online products, feels like a virus you will never get rid of.
Plus I write a lot of “illegal blog posts” , which means I don’t post them to a blog but only on Facebook.
And I have a pen name, for which I practically do not write anymore because of the C crisis.
My pen name has existed online since 2010, and it’s a more or less secret account, so that I can write freely about my exciting, secretive, sex life.
Needless to say, with C. there no longer is anything remotely interesting to write about.
And it was in this setting that this story takes place. Because I showed up to teach my online class themed “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, and there was no one there in the Facebook group.
I have no intention of recreating an “official” online studio (this is The Artist part, more on that later), so I didn’t mind that no one was there.
It was just that I had not thought it through in advance, what I was going to do, if I was there by myself.
Did any of the others fancy this particular class in Replay?
Or could I pretend play, someone would watch it again later, and get great value out of it; So that I could get rid of this eerie feeling and just teach as I always do?
But I pushed through, because I was so flabbergasted by it.
I didn’t understood WHY, this was such a big deal, right?
I ve been making YouTube videos since 2015, and the largest part of it were yoga videos.
Then why, within a month after my first live stream, did it suddenly become such a big deal that no one was there?
It was this question, this not understanding the deeper underlying principle that would explain the WHY, that caused the restlessness, and caused me to continue.
At least for 40 minutes anyway.
Both no one showing up, as well as me totally “overthinking” it.
I predicted it, although laughingly, because the topic of I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, is obviously so sexual I totally understood people feeling uncomfortable attending.
But I also predicted that I would think this through, until I had gotten down to the core of its meaning.
Because I started the live stream with the Mick Jagger quote about financial, sexual, philosophical satisfaction, stating that – as opposed to Mick –
I scored a full 100% on philosophical satisfaction.
That over the years I had thought so long and hard, over many of the underlying very philosophical and psychological mechanisms, that you can ask me anything about anything, and I ll know the answer.
I will be able to cut to the core of whatever it is you have trouble with, and I will discover where you have lost your power, which is always at the root of every problem.
And then I will tell you which belief or vision you need to let go off, or what you need to do, in order to immediately regain control over your life.
I adapted Mick’s quote to my own situation:
Suzanne Beenackers, 2020
unreleased live stream yoga class
“I m philosophically satisfied. And not only that, I m filled to the brim,” I said in my introduction to the online class I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.
“I really would not know where to store another drop.”
And I also explained how the difference between Mick and me, with me being sexually dissatisfied, yet philosophically satisfied to the last drop the sponge of my brain could possibly absorb, was because I had not exposed myself to the amount of sex Mick had.
That I had not exactly given it my all, or even seriously tried!
I mean, even before C., it was not that I had made a commitment to have sex, every week or every month even.
For years I had a secret lover, and I saw him way too little.
Yet, was I serious and practical about getting myself a steady supply of sex? A sexual “baseline income”, which is what I think it’s called for entrepreneurs (where they make a minimum revenue on repeat).
I was sloppy and wishy washy as f. when it came to getting even the basics in place.
Occasionally I would fall in love with another unavailable man, and then him not being available for a second secret affair, I would wallow a bit in feeling sorry for myself..
Because I had to be in love, before having sex.
I had tried having sex with men that we “okay” but it was just so much work. The sex was good, but the amount of energy I had to put in, the amount of uncomfortable conversations, the painful moments when you realize you have nothing in common but I wanted to say “hole in your agenda that needs to be filled” but that’s just a euphemism, if ever there was any..
That might sound like a lot, but I was with them a couple of months tops. But the majority of them, we only were that intimate just once, twice or maybe three times. I hit the 12-month sexless marker, two times.
And with none of the men did I ever experience a “honeymoon-like period”, where you don’t leave the bed for a minimum of 24 hours.
It was never that passionate, and when it was that passionate he was not available.
It wasn’t hard at all.
My lover became the standard, the benchmark, the Baseline Level all my relationships would have from this day forward.
It’s “merely” the quantity, that has made me dissatisfied.
And with our affair ending, the last of my perfectly orchestrated, dare I say “Premium”, sex life, has died with it.
I had given it eight years and I had already made a finite decision:
It was going to be perfect.
Or it was not going to be at all.
The C. crisis should not be a reason to rethink any of that, I should have known better. And I do (know better) now.
If you write a 3000 word blog post on a Wednesday morning, after a yogaclass you did not teach, and about a sex life you do not have, of course you are philosophically satisfied.
If I had been in any way serious about being sexually satisfied, I would have spent this Wednesday morning entirely different.
C crisis or no C crisis.
“Shouldn’t I make this bigger?”
After all, if I make a real sales page, with people looking for yoga finding this exciting online group, where it’s about Sex and Purpose, and the classes are mixed with popular culture and rock mythology;
If I did that and made it successful, there would never be a Tuesday night ever again, where I didn’t have anyone live there with me.
First off, between yoga teacher “me” and artist me.
Yoga teacher me, is someone who still feels the need to “sell yoga”. To offer something that resembles what people expect when going into a yoga class.
To Yoga Teacher Me, adding Mick Jagger or Jon Bon Jovi into the mix of what it is I teach, is nothing more than an accessory.
Yoga Teacher Me is very conservative and tends to think: “That’s all fine, have a little fun. Just don’t take it too far.”
Whereas Artist Me, immediately thinks:
“Oh really? You know what, I M GONNA TAKE IT TOO FAR! You leave me no choice!”
Artist Me rebels against any and all limitations.
And she does it hard.
She’ll burn the thing down, if that’s what it takes to get rid of your expectations of what it is she should or should not do.
She ends relationships, friendships, business arrangements.
She starts fires, arguments, she blows things up.
And Artist Me is definitely the one teaching upcoming Thursday’s class:
“Sympathy for the Devil”
In fact, she leaned back, put her feet on the table, interlaced her hands behind her head and said:
“Well, now there’s a class that doesn’t need any preparation!”
She would dutifully do her work, that she said she would do.
She needed no praise or approval, she didn’t need anybody there, to teach her yoga class.
For Yoga Teacher Me it would be enough that someone might enjoy the Replay.
Because it was paid for (people pay per week) so to Entrepreneurial Me it would not have made much difference if they were present to enjoy what they paid for.
Business is business.
And from an artistic point this makes sense:
The art I create can only exist because there is an audience.
It’s a very well-known definition of art, to say it cannot exist without it being seen.
And it’s a definition I really like.
You could even say that the art comes into being, ONLY because of an audience!
In the 80s there was a modern art retrospective at the Groninger Museum, in the Netherlands.
And on opening night the managing director of the museum said they had gone over all their pieces:
“Is this art?”
If it was art, they would not show it.
The exhibition only contained pieces which were NOT art!
But of course, they immediately became art, the moment they were admitted to the expo.
Something similar is the exercise Marina Abramovic has given to her students:
Every day, sit down and write an idea on a piece of paper.
If it’s a good idea, save it. If it’s a bad idea throw it in a (designated) trash can.
After 30 days, bring both; The stack of good ideas and the ideas from the trashcan.
She ignored the good ideas and went over the trashcan ideas with her students:
Discovering they were all brilliant ideas.
An entrepreneur gives what has been paid for.
But an artist needs the spectator,
to breathe it to life.
Yesterday, I created a powerful video on Gimme Shelter.
You can find it here at the bottom of this post, or on YouTube.
The subscription button is somewhere on this page, usually on the top right, and we’re on:
* ONLINE CLASSES
For Rock Star Yoga, I ve often thought of dropping the name Yoga altogether, but that doesn’t feel right at all.
Yoga belongs in there. It IS what I do.
But what I teach, mixes yoga with art and popular culture.
And my real yoga classes too, are like the canvas, like the stage, where we create our own new thing every time.
If you’re interested in attending you can check my online yoga groups here